Good-Bye, Radiation!

I think I'm just a once-a-month blogger!  Anyway, we are celebrating here in Denver, as Scott finished his radiation a week ago this past Thursday!  It is so wonderful to have put these treatments behind us... and not have to look forward to any more!

Scott officially finished the major treatments, but he still continues to receive a daily injection of blood thinner medication via me.  I always feel bad when I have to give him his shot as it is quite painful for him.  I need to give it subcutaneously... which means in a fatty area... which means if you know Scott you know that there is no such thing as a fatty area on him!  Thus, it can be painful for him.  

We are looking forward to December for a number of reasons.  First, we love celebrating the Advent of our Saviour's birth!  I love giving gifts to everyone as the Magi brought gifts to Christ.  I love seeing what I can handcraft for my family... and I love seeing their faces when they open the gift... especially my sister Becky's face about 2-3 Christmases ago!  Second, this Christmas we get to celebrate our newest little one's birthday.  Aspen will turn ONE this December!  It's so hard to believe, especially with all that has transpired in our lives this past year.  Third, Scott will be done with the painful shots... and I'll be done inflicting that pain upon him!  And fourth, Scott will get his final PET scan to determine if the cancer has been removed from his body.  We are trying to live these next few months just resting in the goodness of our Lord, and waiting on his results.  We know that he can give Scott a clean scan, and believe that He has more planned for Scott and our family.  So, with all that said... I can't wait for December :).

We are trying to get life back to "normal" after all of this, although, in some ways I hope we never get back to "normal".  Scott and I were talking last night about how this has affected us, and how we need to learn, change, and move forward as different people and a different family.  My own hope and prayer is that many people would be changed by our story and that they would see that just because "bad things happen to good people" doesn't mean that God has abandoned us.  In fact, it has been just the opposite.  This life is hard, but without Jesus as our Saviour, it's impossible.  It's times like these when we see the grace and mercy of Christ in our lives.  I'm listening to the Natalie Grant song "Held" right now.  Some of it describes this very thing.  Part of the song says:

This is what it is to be loved and to know 

That the promise was when everything fell

We'd be held

And that's really what the Lord has done.  When we've felt alone, overwhelmed, frightened, angry, and more, the Lord has cradled us in his arms and given us a peace that is difficult to describe.  Not necessarily the "feeling" that everything will turn out fine, but a knowing that whatever happens, we will "be" fine, resting in Him and in His word to us.  We're not promised a life free from trials, but we are promised that the Lord will walk with us all the way.

So, we are waiting and praying right now... and we are also going to Scout meetings, doing school, going to work, attending theatre practice, and going camping!

At the end of this week we are taking a family camping trip over to Moab, Utah.  Since our summer was filled with sickness, struggle, and treatments, we decided we needed a few days together as a family to debrief.  Hopefully I will have some pictures to post when we return.  I'm excited and hoping that it will be a time of spiritual reflection and renewal for us as a family as we look ahead to what the Lord has in store for us.  

Thanks so much for continuing on this journey with us!  I will keep updating you all on what is happening with us as I'm sure you will eagerly await the results with us!  We thank the Lord for each one of you!

Family Fun Day Fundraiser

Well, everyone, sorry about the hiatus!  Is this the longest time between blogs?  Anyway, these last few weeks have been filled with swimming, anniversaries, scans, back to school, and an super fun Family Fun Day!

August 14 found Scott and myself at the hospital so he could get a scan before starting radiation.  It also happened to be our anniversary.  It was somewhat bittersweet.  It was bitter in the fact that we had been hoping to be getting prepared for an anniversary vacation within this next year, as this was our 15th anniversary.  I had a few moments where I cried over the fact that this would not be the case, and that it would have to wait a few more years.  It was sweet that we were at least together and had weathered some of the toughest, sickest times of this storm.  It was bitter in that we had to spend a portion of the day at the hospital getting a scan.  It was sweet because we were done with the chemo and moving on to the radiation... and also because they were actually running on time that day, so we didn't have to wait very long!

We received the results of the scan that next week.  It was not a clean scan, so we were concerned as to what this would mean for his treatment plan.  In saying "not clean" I mean that there are still areas that are suspicious for cancer.  He may still have cancer that the chemo did not eradicate.  I guess we both felt that the chemo would remove the cancer and then the radiation was more of a perfunctory measure.  After talking with his radiation oncologist, however, we were told that he would not need to go through more chemo and that the radiation should take care of anything that is left.

So, last Monday after all that news, we started school.  When Scott asked me how it went, I told him that it's days like these that make people say they would never home school.  Thankfully we have 179 other days to make up for it :).  By the way, the rest of the week was much better!

That week also found Scott and I at odds with each other.  We both gave in to the built up stress due to his cancer, and neither of us responded to the other appropriately.  That week I struggled with coming to terms with my attitude towards my husband.  I have always battled my attitude, but this week something seemed different.  Scott called me out on a few things, and my spirit was determined to remain hardened.  After a few days of holding onto the sinful desires of my heart, I had to let go.  Even though we reconciled with each other, I think the full effect wasn't realized until Sunday.

Saturday was the Family Fun Day Fundraiser that our church sponsored.  It was a wonderful, family day!  Through our church we have truly seen the body of Christ at work.  They have given us food, finances, prayers, encouragement, and hope!  Our church and our friends have been our family here in Colorado.  There were many people who came to participate in the fun activities.  There was a live band, Schofield, who are friends of ours, as well as a raffle with all sorts of neat prizes.  There were donations from Starbucks, Supper Solutions, Massage Envy, Chipotle, Chick-Fil-A, Super Cuts, and many, many more!  We had a chili, pie, and salsa cook-off in which we were the judges.  (By the way, I will need some recipes from those of you who made all the yummy food.)  Our dear friend Christina became Bubbles the Clown and practically ripped her cuticle making and tying balloon animals.  Her face painting creations were great!  There were so many people from church who set up and tore down and basically ran the show.  I can't tell you all how many people were impressed that our church of about 120-150 people pulled this entire event off.  A special thanks to Stephanie, Erica, Laura, and Lindsey... probably the four most exhausted women in Denver on Saturday night!  You are all amazing!

Well, after all that, I went home ashamed of my attitude towards Scott.  No amount of stress really gave me the right to conduct myself as I did.  I hadn't thought of Scott better than myself, as Christ would have wanted me to do.  I realized that all I thought about my rights and how difficult this has been on me was what I should have laid at the cross in order to consider Scott and his struggle.  Interestingly enough, about a month ago I was asking the Lord to show me a specific sin that I battle with... one that I consistently fail to leave at the cross... one that hinders my relationship with the Lord.  I realize that there are many sins that fall into that category, but I was looking for the specifics.  Well, I believe after this past week, I can definitely place my finger on it!

More of this came into focus on Sunday morning.  During worship the Holy Spirit gripped my conscience and a flooding realization of my depravity and sinfulness before the Creator of the Universe rose up before my eyes.  We were singing the phrase:

I see the Lord seated on the Throne

He is high and lifted up and full of glory

I just felt overwhelmed, and knew that I deeply needed forgiveness from the Lord.  It was a moment that I cannot adequately put into words, but one that changed my spirit.  I hope that with the Lord's strength, I will be able to live this out with Scott and the kids.

So, what a week last week was!  Scott has had a few radiation treatments and is feeling some tiredness, but he is still going strong.  It amazes me how he continues to go to work while feeling the way that he does.  He does look like he is getting stronger, and his bouts with the chemo nausea seem to be getting fewer.  Right now he is receiving treatment on a daily basis, with time off over the weekends.

We are getting ready to go camping this weekend with our church.  We are looking forward to it as we have not been able to really get away or do anything as a family this summer due to Scott's treatments.  So, we will be enjoying time in the mountains, albeit without running water and flush toilets :).  It will definitely be a time of fellowship and rejoicing in God's goodness.  May you all have a wonderful time with your families as well this weekend.  We continue to thank you for your prayers!  We have felt God's loving hand and have seen his goodness during this trial.  We have come to understand that God's goodness doesn't depend on our circumstances.  He is good no matter where we are at in life or how we are feeling at the moment.  What a comfort to know that our God is faithful and never changes!  And with that thought, have a wonderful holiday weekend!  God bless you all!

Last Round of Chemo!

Wednesday, August 5th, 2009 was officially the last day of chemotherapy!  I was probably more excited than Scott... he knew the nausea was yet to come.  In fact, he began to get nauseous that morning.  The nurse explained that it was "anticipatory nausea" and she gave him half of an Ativan to calm his nerves.

The treatment went as smoothly as the others.  He is now in the throes of nausea, with bone pain to come in a few days.  This is due to the Neulasta shot that he must take 24-48 hours after the chemo.  He is a determined person.  He managed to go to work the past two days, even after chemo.  His dad flew in Wednesday night and went to work with him.  We are so thankful that he is here!  Leonard/Grandpa already has a whole weekend of work planned out!

So, nothing really different from the last treatment.  We're praising the Lord that he didn't need a hospital stay this time, and we're praying that the same thing will happen for this last treatment.  

On a different note, my heart is aching and burdened for my son, Hunter.  I've seen him change during this whole process.  I've seen him become more quiet and withdrawn.  Lately I've seen him pull away from Scott... it especially happened when Scott's brother was here.  Hunter didn't look at Scott, didn't hug or touch Scott, rarely talked to him, etc.  

These past few days I've noticed some issues that are stemming from whatever is growing in his heart.  My friend was telling me that it looks like fear that has given way to anger and bitterness... and I think her assessment was accurate.  I know that Scott is the one who needs to deal with Hunter.... dad to son... but I'm worried and at times I feel as though we are going to lose our son.

Hunter is at such a crucial age; an age when he needs his dad... but his dad is lying in bed, frail and sick.  Hunter has just seen what cancer has done to his grandma, and he might be thinking that it will take his dad as well.  Actually there's been some interesting comments from the kids during this past week.

Forrest says, "If Dad dies, are you going to get remarried?"

Hunter adamantly says, "Dad's NOT going to die!"

Canyon, rather flippantly, remarks, "Dad didn't die yet."

What do I do with statements like that?  I think it has given me some insight into what the kids are thinking.  I can understand the little guys and why they say some of those things... but it is Hunter that my heart hurts over.  I am mourning for his childhood that has been blemished by this fear-stain of cancer.  I don't know how to help him, yet I realize that the help needs to come from his Heavenly Father and his Earthly Father.

My prayer is that this trial will be what helps him become a godly man, not a cynical or bitter man.  I am afraid, and I'm finding it difficult to give him over to the Lord, and wait for his time.  If the Spirit stirs you, could you please pray for Hunter, and pray that the Lord will give Scott the physical strength to discuss these matters with Hunter?  We are both broken about this and we want to see Hunter grow into all that the Lord has for him.  

Thanks so much for all your prayers, notes, letters, etc.  We are so grateful for all of you!  Now, the plan for next week is for Scott to have a scan on Friday (our anniversary).  After that radiation will begin, we're just not sure what day.  I will write and let everyone know how he is doing and when we are starting treatment.  Thanks again for all your prayers!  We love you all!

Chemo Round Three

Before I begin this entry, let me first say how amazed I am that so many of you are so faithful in reading this blog!  I am not a very good blogger, as it seems to be a long time between entries.  I guess I am just busy with life right now, so please forgive me if my blogs aren't always extremely up-to-the-minute current!

Scott did indeed receive another round of chemo this past Wednesday.  His brother, Corey, flew in on Tuesday night, so he was able to come with us.  He has definitely been a huge blessing.  He buoyed Scott's spirits during the treatment... so much so that Scott was actually laughing for part of the time.  Through his encouragement, Scott was clowning around and managed to put a latex glove on his head (sort of like a rubber chicken thing).  I know, I couldn't believe it either... and I was there.

Anyway, it wasn't long afterwards that Scott came down and found himself in the midst of the worst nausea yet from the treatment.  We were hoping for a bit easier round, as he had a four week hiatus from the chemo.  However, he has actually had more severe nausea and vomiting this time... even while taking three different anti-nausea drugs.  

Scott took Corey to work with him these past two days, and forced hard labor upon him!  Without Corey's help, I know Scott would not have made it through the day.  His color looks so poor these days... especially after chemo.  He has this yellowish-grey cast to his skin after the treatment, and during his very sick moments.  He told me today that he didn't know how I coped with the continual nausea and vomiting with each of my pregnancies.  I'm pretty sure that pregnancy nausea and chemo nausea are horses of two bipolar opposite colors!  And besides, I get the best prize ever at the end of the pregnancy... what does he get?

Well, we have been continued to be blessed by our fabulous church family and our amazing community of friends!  I can't even begin to tell you all how much we appreciate all of you and everything you have done for us!

Which leads me to mention the amazing fundraiser that a few of the men at church lined up this past Friday night.  Corey was able to attend the card tournament and said the giving attitude of all the people involved was amazing. The fundraiser was a huge success and I can't thank you enough, guys, for thinking out of the box on this one!  The money that was raised will definitely help pay off those large medical and pharmaceutical bills (which deserve their own separate blog entry)! 

This whole cancer experience has enabled us to see the Body of Christ in action.  We have been loved and cared for by this incredible body of believers that stretches across America and extends to other parts of the world.  I have had many moments when I have felt like a single mother, wearing the entire burden of caring for my children alone.  I know this isn't the case, and I realize the the task single moms bear is tremendous.  However, the Sundays when I have had to gather my flock and head out to worship alone, leaves an ache in my soul.  Corporate worship seems to be where the tears come easily as I attempt to leave that burden at the cross and really reflect on who the Lord is.  However, throughout all of this, my church family and friends have cared for me, watched my kids for me, reminded me that they are always here to help me, and encouraged me that I am loved by the Lord and that He is good.  I will be forever grateful to you all.  You have encouraged my spirit more than you will ever know.

And on that note, Scott mustered all his strength today to attend worship.  He has missed so many Sundays due to sickness and hospital stays.  He desperately needed the comfort found in corporate worship and hearing the Word of God spoken to his soul.  I think as difficult as it was physically, he was refreshed spiritually.

So, on that thought, I will end this entry for now.  I just wanted you all to know that we love you all so much, and without your assistance we would not be able to carry on as we have been doing.  It is because you live out the scriptural commands to love each other and give up your lives (time, resources) for each other.  Please continue to pray for healing and for strength for Scott.  He is attempting to work as much as he possibly can in order to provide for us.  I am amazed that he does what he does in the condition he does it in!  

Pray that the nausea will quickly subside.  Pray that his brother will return safely to his family tomorrow... we are so indebted to his presence here this past week.  Please pray that my love for my Savior will continue to grow and that daily I will choose to serve my husband.

I hear the kids and their uncle playing the game show "Wipeout" in the living room... they set up their own obstacles (which is Uncle Corey).  So, I'd better go get a good seat before the show is over!  Thank you all for everything!

Wishing for the Hilton, But Getting the Hospital

Scott called me this morning saying that he has another room with a view.  Maybe someday we'll take the money we spend on his mountain-view hospital rooms and go take a real vacation with better views!

Well, the docs admitted Scott to the hospital last night... actually early this morning.  They took a chest x-ray to rule out pneumonia and did some blood cultures to check for a bacterial infection.  He started on IV antibiotics early this morning.  He then woke up around 5 Am with severe itching and shortness of breath.  So, now we know he's allergic to that antibiotic... I just need to find out which one that was!  Anyway, he's slated to stay for at least the weekend to take care of any infection, if there is one.  

Satan chose to attack me last night as well.  I had so many fears... many of them imagined.  I usually don't run in that vein, but while I was weak, Satan took the advantage.  Thankfully I had a dear friend yesterday that mentioned Psalm 91 to me.  I read over it numerous times, prayed through it, cried over it, and slept beside it last night.

He who dwells in the shelter of the Most High will rest in the shadow of the Almighty.

I will say of the Lord, "He is my refuge and my fortress, my God, in whom I trust."

Surely he will save you from the fowler's snare and from the deadly pestilence.

He will cover you with his feathers and under his wings you will find refuge; his faithfulness will be your shield and rampart.

You will not fear the terror of the night, nor the arrow that flies by day, nor the pestilence that stalks in the darkness, nor the plague that destroys at midday.

A thousand may fall at your side, ten thousand at your right hand, but it will not come near you.

You will only observe with your eyes and see the punishment of the wicked.

If you make the Most High your dwelling--even the Lord, who is my refuge--then no harm will befall you, no disaster will come near your tent.

For he will command his angels concerning you to guard you in all your ways; they will lift you up in their hands so that you will not strike your foot against a stone.

You will tread upon the lion and the cobra; you will trample the great lion and the serpent.

"Because he loves me," says the Lord, "I will rescue him; I will protect him, for he acknowledges my name.  He will call upon me and I will answer him; I will be with him in trouble, I will be with him and honor him.  With long life will I satisfy him and show him my salvation."

I am praying the last part of that Psalm for Scott, and that through this physical trial, he will see the Lord's hand and rest in it.

ER Trip

As I write this, Scott is sitting in the ER at University of Colorado Hospital.  We had decided that for his safety he should go and stay with couple in our church, to avoid our germ-infested house.  Well, just tonight he called me and was complaining of chills.  He said he was wearing jeans, a t-shirt, and a sweatshirt.  Just hearing that made me sweat.  He said his temp was 100.3

A few minutes later he called the oncologist and relayed what was happening to him.  After that he called me back, told me his temp was now 101.4, and said he was headed to the ER.

Because his immunity is so low, the oncologist is concerned.  He is definitely in a "danger zone" so to speak.  He did receive an injection of a drug (Neulasta) in order to stimulate white cell production.  The problem is that he might not have enough white cells to mount a defense if he is indeed experiencing an infection.  That is very dangerous.  

So, they will most likely draw blood, check his WBC (white cells), culture the blood to check for infection, and determine if he is indeed producing any more WBC's.  I don't know what the plan of treatment will be yet.  I can't be there with him due to all the sick and recovering kids I have around here.  I'm sure I'm crawling with bugs!

Anyway, that's all I know at the moment.  The only thing I can do for him is pray.  Why is it when that's all we can do is when we feel the most helpless; the most useless?  Is it because I measure everything in terms of what "I" can do, and not in what "God" can do?  Isn't this where God wants us... when we can't "do" anything, and we leave it in his hands?

I think this is my struggle... to accomplish it on my own, to find strength in and of myself, to be self-sufficient and therefore self-reliant.  Is this what it takes for me to learn?  I'm sorry, Lord for the sin of my heart; the pride of myself.  Please forgive me and send healing to my husband.

If you read this, please pray that Scott will be healed and that he will be spared another hospital stay.  Also, pray for me as I stay here alone with the kids this weekend. 

Delay of Game

Yesterday we went to the hospital ready to knock down the third chemo treatment.  After that, only one more to go!  That's not what happened.

As we were waiting for Scott to be called in to the infusion treatment center, his oncology doctor's nurse came in to talk with us.  She informed us that he would not be able to receive treatment due to a low blood count.  

When he receives chemo, it lowers his immunity.  In order to have the treatment, his immunity must be at a certain level.  Yesterday his immunity was below the allowable level.  He received an injection called Neulasta, which will stimulate his bone to produce the much needed cells.  It is similar to the injections he received in the hospital... for the same purpose.  

The difficulty of this medication is that fact that it causes severe bone pain.  When he was in the hospital he took morphine for the pain.  Here at home he has Vicodin.  

The nurse cautioned us to keep him away from crowds, sickness, watch for signs of infections, etc.  He doesn't need to be hospitalized, but we need to be careful.  Well, to further compound matters, that afternoon Aspen came down with a 101 degree temp, and has been visibly miserable.  Then, last night, Forrest was lethargic, said he felt warm, looked miserable as well, and began exhibiting a croupy cough.

I'm not too sure how I'm going to keep all this away from Scott other than by the grace of the Lord!

So, Scott's next chemo treatment has been put on hold until two weeks from now (which would have been that last treatment... sigh).  We will wait for his body to build an immunity and attempt to keep him from contamination in the meantime.  

The kids and I read through Isaiah chapter 40 on Tuesday.  It's a good reminder for me right now of the power of the Lord and where my strength comes from!  

Well, I need to go because I have a sick baby that needs me!  Please pray that my children get over their respective colds, and that Scott would NOT get sick or an infection!  Thanks so much for the prayers!