A Miracle and a Trial

"We have heard with our ears, O God; our fathers have told us what you did in their days, in days long ago."    Psalm 44:1

I read this verse after witnessing a financial miracle on Monday night.  I have been worried about how we are going to pay for all the doctors, treatments, supplements, etc.  It has been a concern due to the fact that Scott owns his own business... which means when he can't go into work, he doesn't get paid.

I had asked a friend to pray about the financial situation Monday afternoon, but honestly, not expecting anything anytime soon.  That night we came home from our Life Group meeting for church and noticed a package on the front steps.  In that package was a monetary gift from some very precious friends.  Scott explained to the kids that God had been answering our prayer before we had even prayed.

My first reaction was tears and the thought , "How could I have doubted you, Lord?".  It was a reminder that the Lord still works miracles and that all that I think I have/own is still his.  I am only a steward, not the owner.  It was also a reminder to,

"Be still and know that I am God; I will be exalted among the nations, I will be exalted in the earth.  The Lord Almighty is with us; the God of Jacob is our fortress."  Psalm 46:10-11

However, the next day we faced yet another heartache as we found out that my mother-in-law, who has been fighting cancer, only has a few days left on this earth.  I am ashamed to say that I am spiritually related to the Israelites in the wilderness.  One day I can lay burdens at the cross and trust the Lord to care for me, and the next I hurry back to the cross... only to place the burden on my own shoulders.  I have found myself worrying about taking care of everything here, Scott's diet and treatments, finding money to fly to Wisconsin to say good-bye to Scott's mom, and more.  

I always wondered how the Israelites could see the pillar of fire or cloud and still doubt God.  They had the presence of the Lord right in the midst of their camp, and yet they were fearful, doubtful, and unfaithful.  And yet, I am the same.  I have seen the Lord work a miracle and I have the Holy Spirit as a believer, yet it only takes another trial and I turn from what I know about God and what I have seen God do only the day before.  I am a wretched human!  Please forgive me, Lord.

No wonder Isaiah says that "he sits enthroned above the circle of the earth, and it's people are like grasshoppers" (Is. 40:22).  He is Almighty, and I am only a frail human whose life is but a vapor.  

My dear friend from college sent me the lyrics to a song that was popular when we were at Cedarville.  It says,

"God is too wise to be mistaken, God is to good to be unkind.  So when you don't understand, when you don't see his plan, when you can't trace his hand, trust his heart".

Thank you Shandy (if you read this), for sending that to me!  May I live every day in that knowledge... that God is truly in control, and even when I can't see what he is doing, I can still trust his heart.