August 14 found Scott and myself at the hospital so he could get a scan before starting radiation. It also happened to be our anniversary. It was somewhat bittersweet. It was bitter in the fact that we had been hoping to be getting prepared for an anniversary vacation within this next year, as this was our 15th anniversary. I had a few moments where I cried over the fact that this would not be the case, and that it would have to wait a few more years. It was sweet that we were at least together and had weathered some of the toughest, sickest times of this storm. It was bitter in that we had to spend a portion of the day at the hospital getting a scan. It was sweet because we were done with the chemo and moving on to the radiation... and also because they were actually running on time that day, so we didn't have to wait very long!
We received the results of the scan that next week. It was not a clean scan, so we were concerned as to what this would mean for his treatment plan. In saying "not clean" I mean that there are still areas that are suspicious for cancer. He may still have cancer that the chemo did not eradicate. I guess we both felt that the chemo would remove the cancer and then the radiation was more of a perfunctory measure. After talking with his radiation oncologist, however, we were told that he would not need to go through more chemo and that the radiation should take care of anything that is left.
So, last Monday after all that news, we started school. When Scott asked me how it went, I told him that it's days like these that make people say they would never home school. Thankfully we have 179 other days to make up for it :). By the way, the rest of the week was much better!
That week also found Scott and I at odds with each other. We both gave in to the built up stress due to his cancer, and neither of us responded to the other appropriately. That week I struggled with coming to terms with my attitude towards my husband. I have always battled my attitude, but this week something seemed different. Scott called me out on a few things, and my spirit was determined to remain hardened. After a few days of holding onto the sinful desires of my heart, I had to let go. Even though we reconciled with each other, I think the full effect wasn't realized until Sunday.
Saturday was the Family Fun Day Fundraiser that our church sponsored. It was a wonderful, family day! Through our church we have truly seen the body of Christ at work. They have given us food, finances, prayers, encouragement, and hope! Our church and our friends have been our family here in Colorado. There were many people who came to participate in the fun activities. There was a live band, Schofield, who are friends of ours, as well as a raffle with all sorts of neat prizes. There were donations from Starbucks, Supper Solutions, Massage Envy, Chipotle, Chick-Fil-A, Super Cuts, and many, many more! We had a chili, pie, and salsa cook-off in which we were the judges. (By the way, I will need some recipes from those of you who made all the yummy food.) Our dear friend Christina became Bubbles the Clown and practically ripped her cuticle making and tying balloon animals. Her face painting creations were great! There were so many people from church who set up and tore down and basically ran the show. I can't tell you all how many people were impressed that our church of about 120-150 people pulled this entire event off. A special thanks to Stephanie, Erica, Laura, and Lindsey... probably the four most exhausted women in Denver on Saturday night! You are all amazing!
Well, after all that, I went home ashamed of my attitude towards Scott. No amount of stress really gave me the right to conduct myself as I did. I hadn't thought of Scott better than myself, as Christ would have wanted me to do. I realized that all I thought about my rights and how difficult this has been on me was what I should have laid at the cross in order to consider Scott and his struggle. Interestingly enough, about a month ago I was asking the Lord to show me a specific sin that I battle with... one that I consistently fail to leave at the cross... one that hinders my relationship with the Lord. I realize that there are many sins that fall into that category, but I was looking for the specifics. Well, I believe after this past week, I can definitely place my finger on it!
More of this came into focus on Sunday morning. During worship the Holy Spirit gripped my conscience and a flooding realization of my depravity and sinfulness before the Creator of the Universe rose up before my eyes. We were singing the phrase:
I see the Lord seated on the Throne
He is high and lifted up and full of glory
I just felt overwhelmed, and knew that I deeply needed forgiveness from the Lord. It was a moment that I cannot adequately put into words, but one that changed my spirit. I hope that with the Lord's strength, I will be able to live this out with Scott and the kids.
So, what a week last week was! Scott has had a few radiation treatments and is feeling some tiredness, but he is still going strong. It amazes me how he continues to go to work while feeling the way that he does. He does look like he is getting stronger, and his bouts with the chemo nausea seem to be getting fewer. Right now he is receiving treatment on a daily basis, with time off over the weekends.
We are getting ready to go camping this weekend with our church. We are looking forward to it as we have not been able to really get away or do anything as a family this summer due to Scott's treatments. So, we will be enjoying time in the mountains, albeit without running water and flush toilets :). It will definitely be a time of fellowship and rejoicing in God's goodness. May you all have a wonderful time with your families as well this weekend. We continue to thank you for your prayers! We have felt God's loving hand and have seen his goodness during this trial. We have come to understand that God's goodness doesn't depend on our circumstances. He is good no matter where we are at in life or how we are feeling at the moment. What a comfort to know that our God is faithful and never changes! And with that thought, have a wonderful holiday weekend! God bless you all!
Cinnamon, I appreciate your transparency. And since I now know some of what was going on in your heart, I won't hold it against you that you make every female in the congregation cry whenever you stand up front with your husband by your side and read God's word! ;)
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